[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
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I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now