Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
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My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
#parenting
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.