Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
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Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?