I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
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listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*