for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
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Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.