You Might Also Like
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Mornin. * use accordingly
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are