I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what