McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
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barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Battery falling down a hole
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?