Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
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OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
OH. COME. ON.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
hmm conte-me mais
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
channeling her this year
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah