Quadruple digit IQ
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The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
#parenting
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?