Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
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“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
can’t talk my ride’s here
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My background check bounced.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.