I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
You Might Also Like
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
wut hotdog?
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.