scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
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2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.