I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
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How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Bike for sale
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride