Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
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Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Lube but for my dry humor.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.