A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
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Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Seems a bit forward
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm