Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
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A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.