guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
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giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.