I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
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i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.