Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
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Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats