When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
You Might Also Like
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
i love meeting boys on tinder
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.