a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
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When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Dietest Coke
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
when u come home smelling like another dog
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier