Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
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[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough