Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
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him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
British websites use biscuits.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.