[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
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I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Chicken bread
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.