During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
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Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I have never related to a cat more
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry