[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
sigh
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?