“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
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Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas