[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
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If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
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Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist