My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
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Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future