Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
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if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
This is I, Robot all over again
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera