“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
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Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”