If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
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You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I identify as an antique shop.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Canada has crack?
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.