How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Encore…
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
no regrets
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.