My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
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“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
choose your fighter
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
#Caturday
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.