You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
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Any refunds available?…
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.