Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
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the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
nice challenge
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while