I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
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I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.