I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
You Might Also Like
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army