I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
You Might Also Like
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
They got a point!
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.