People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
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1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
What do you hear?
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon