Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
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Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.