The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
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I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.