[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
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is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
When you let grandma cat sit
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”