If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
You Might Also Like
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no