[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
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I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.