People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
You Might Also Like
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
secret recipe
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!