Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
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[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast