ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
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“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.