Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
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I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.